Black Keys Matter

I am hereby calling for the immediate banning of all songs in the key of C, as they do not use ANY black keys on the piano. The key of C consists entirely of white keys (no sharps or flats). In this age of racial diversity it is absolutely disgraceful that we should still allow songs with no black representation. Consequently we must immediately remove the following songs from our playlists and throw rocks through the window of any radio stations that persist in playing them:

Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

Let it Be – The Beatles

Imagine – John Lennon

All The Small Things – Blink 182

Californication – Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Piano Man – Billy Joel

Dreams – Fleetwood Mac

Ain’t No Sunshine – Bill Withers

Miss You – Rolling Stones

You’re So Vain – Carly Simon

+ hundreds more!

I will be sending a full list to the Anti-discrimination Board.

Furthermore, there are a number of other musical keys in which black piano keys are under-represented:

F – 1 black key

G – 1 black key

D – 2 black keys

Bb – 2 black keys

These musical keys are an absolute disgrace, as they relegate the black piano keys to a racial minority. All songs in these keys must also be banned immediately and anyone found singing or even humming them should be arrested!

Join me in stamping out this disgraceful racial prejudice inherent in our music! If you would like to support the Black Keys Matter movement, please send a donation of $1000 or more to my personal bank account. You can also show your support by destroying random pieces of public property.


4 Replies to “Black Keys Matter”

  1. I feel so much better after reading this as I am starting the same protest for school shoes. Why do schools only allow students to wear black school shoes? What is wrong with white shoes. I’m outraged. I’m offeneded.

  2. Hi Kevin
    This article is wrong for so many reasons, it is not funny. The “Black lives matter” is all about the systematic racism that is inherent in our white culture that indigenous people have to deal with constantly in their lives. You belittle this with such articles, it shows that you do not understand this issue as you are still looking through your rich white privileged eyes. After I read your recent article on the the refugees I thought you were beginning to understand, but I was mistaken.

    • No, Greg, it is you who is wrong. You have missed my point entirely. Like you, I am outraged at the appallingly racist attitudes against people of colour that are still entrenched within western society. My post, however, was a piece of satire pointing out the ridiculous extrapolations that many “Black Lives Matter” campaigners are making. They are taking a valid concern and cheapening it by widening their campaign to embrace an array of issues that are, at times, irrelevant, and at other times, completely counter-productive to their cause. What began as a movement to address a deeply disturbing issue, has been swept up in a wave of mass-hysteria to include a number of issues and forms of expression that are mindlessly simplistic and completely unhelpful. If you had read my previous posts on this subject, you would know that I am deeply supportive of the Black Lives Matter campaign, but I am utterly opposed to the juvenile mass-hysteria witch hunt that it has generated and which devalues the cause. Your condescending comment, “I thought you were beginning to understand,” shows that you have not understood my position at all. Please refrain from making comments if you are unable to appreciate nuanced satire when you read it.